I have been so unfocused and unmotivated lately. I don't know how to explain it. I started school again in the fall, needless to say a few stressful months later I am 3 classes closer to my goal of have my Bachelors degree. The only problem with this....I don't know if its what I want to do with the rest of my life? When I started this adventure it was...I loved it, the classes the aspirations of working in Public Relations everything that went along with it. Then my life changed. I got married, became a wife, and then a mother. 2 of the best things that have ever happened to me. I just don't know if its for me anymore but I am too far gone to start over...
As my hubby and I were laying in bed the other night waiting to drift off to sleep; having some quiet "us" time. I lifted my head from his chest and said Babe I am unhappy. I was so exhausted that I didn't even think of how that would sound until he stiffened up and said in a shaky voice what do you mean?? Of course not with him or our life, I quickly explained. Just with myself and some of my choices. I just feel kind of lost? I am 5 classes away from graduating college with a degree that I'm not sure Ill ever use. I still like the "idea"of it but now I just don't know if its for me. I would rather do something part time or from home or my own business so I can be the Mom that is here when my babies( I want another so bad! its just not the right time) get home from school and my husband from work. The only problem with that grand plan is I don't even know where to begin. And to be honest I want to do something that is going to contribute to my family so my sweet husband doesn't have to work as hard for us.
I feel so stressed and at odds alot of the time. Things are so busy though I don't even have time to put much thought into it. One thing I have discovered that really surprised me happened in one of my classes. I have to have an Art class to graduate and finally I took the plunge. I took painting last fall, lets just say the first couple were disasters! But I saw an improvement....and the crazy thing I liked it! It was like a release. Me time just to sit and paint. I actually liked it so much that I am taking part 2 this semester. I am by no means an artist but it makes me feel good, so that's all the matters right?! I have even had some encouraging words from my professor and my family. My husband has even hung a few in our home, my brother has one also.
I am working on one now for my sweet nieces who are going to become big sisters in early June(or late May this is just my guess). They are getting bunk beds and new bedding so I thought that I would make them something. I guess I am my own worst critic. I think they are are horrible and the moment I think well maybe they aren't that bad I second guess myself. The only way I can explain it is American Idol...Like really someone lied to those people and told them they could sing....is my family doing the same?
Its been a very crazy week here. My hubby was in a horrible accident at work...its been stressful and tiring...and breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. I have really felt the need to paint. I guess it is becoming my outlet. And no matter if they turn out horrible I feel better.:)
